Valentines Day definitely calls for the the corniest of jokes and puns:
- Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day? Sure, February 14th!
- What did the tarantula say about his date? We met on the web!
- Why didn’t Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer’s heart? He can’t hit a target that small!
- Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn’t get a date!
- Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She wasn’t his taste!
- What’s so great about love at first sight? It saves lots of time!
- Girl: I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.
Boy: Really? Why not?
Girl: You make me sick!
- What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine’s Day? I’m nuts about you!
- What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine’s Day? You’re nuts so bad yourself!
Mirth in a Box sells funny and unusual care packages!
Since we are deep in to awards season, I think it is only appropriate to resurrect some of Joan Rivers snarky fashion one liners:
- Her chest is flatter than Kirstie Alley’s sofa cushions.
- I’ve seen better coats on a dog with mange.
- She’s got more junk in her trunk than a full season of “Storage Wars”.
- I give this look two middle fingers up!
- The last time I saw this much thigh meat was on trash day a Chick-Fil-A.
- The pattern! Does this or does this not look like a cake decorated by a crackhead?
What are your favorite red carpet zingers?
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Why aren’t there more jokes about elves around? Because they are short tempered!
Groan! Here are a few I found:
- What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
- Why are Santa’s helpers depressed? They have low elf esteem!
- What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses!
- What type of bread do elves make sandwiches with? Shortbread!
- How long are elves legs? Long enough to reach the ground!
- Santa rides in his sleigh. What do the elves ride in? A minivan!
- What do elves like to barbecue? Short ribs!
- Why can’t you borrow money from an elf? Because they’re always a little short!
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- What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!
- Which Christmas present can’t be beat? A broken drum!
- Why do Dasher and Dancer get to take coffee breaks while the other reindeers are working? They are the star bucks!
- What did the little Christmas candle say to the big Christmas candle? I’m going out tonight!
- What’s it called when Santa Claus takes a break? A Santa pause!
- What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas time? He got 12 months!
- How do you make a reindeer fast? Don’t feed it!
- What do you call the elf that is always making wisecracks? A real Christmas card!
- Who goes, “Oh, Oh, Oh!”? Santa Claus walking backwards!
- What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!
- How did the reindeer open his comedy routine? “This will SLEIGH you!”
- What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet!
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Pawthetic? Fur sure!
- What did the teddy bear say after dinner? I’m stuffed!
- What do you called a Teddy Bear with no ears? A Teddy B!
- What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig? A teddy boar!
- What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend? Hunny!
- What is as big as a Teddy Bear but weighs nothing? Its shadow!
- What do Teddy Bears do when it rains? Get wet!
- What is a Teddy Bear’s favorite food? Stuffing!
- What does a Teddy Bear walk on? His bear feet!
Mirth in a Box sells fun and unusual care packages for camp, college and anyone who needs some good cheer! In fact we carry the adorable little black bear key ring seen to the left!
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You’d have to be a stiff not to appreciate these great mummy jokes we dug up:
- Why don’t mummies have many friends? They are too wrapped up in themselves!
- What is a mummy’s favorite type of music? Rap music!
- Why don’t mummies take vacations? They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind!
- Who is the best mummy wrapper in all of Egypt? The Wizard of Gauze!
- Who changed King Tut’s diapers? His Mummy!
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It is time to reach in to the closet and bring out the skeleton jokes.
- Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts!
- Why don’t skeletons like parties? No body to dance with!
- Who was the winner of the skeleton beauty contest? No body!
- What do skeletons say before they eat? Bone Appetite!
- Why can’t skeletons play music in church? Because they have no organs!
- What is a skeleton’s favorite dish at a Chinese restaurant? Spare ribs!
- Who is a skeleton’s favorite emperor? Napoleon Boneaparte!
Mirth in a Box sells funny and unusual care packages for those times when the thought counts but fun counts even more!
- Acting is like a Halloween mask that you put on. River Phoenix
- Nothing on Earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night. Steve Almond
- On Halloween parents send their kids out looking like me. Rodney Dangerfield
- Studio 54 made Halloween in Hollywood look like a PTA meeting. Lorna Luft
- Clothes make a statement. Costumes tell a story. Mason Cooley
- I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Author Unknown
- There is nothing that gives more assurance than a mask. Colette
- Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special. Chris Rock
- A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween. Erma Bombeck
Mirth in a Box sells funny and unusual care packages!
- Do zombies eat their dinner with their fingers? No they eat their fingers separately!
- What’s a zombie’s favorite meal? A MANwich!
- What did the zombie do after she dumped her boyfriend? Wiped her butt!
- Why was the zombie expelled from school? He kept buttering up his teacher!
- What does a zombie look for in a girlfriend? Someone with a pulse and plenty of brains!
- How do patriotic zombies serve their country? They join the Marine Copse!
- What did the zombie say to his friend after he ate the comedian? This tastes funny!
- What does it take to become a zombie?DEAdication!
- Why did the zombie put arsenic on his Wheaties? Because he was a cereal killer!
- Why did the zombie have to stop teaching? He only had one pupil!
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I will not comment. The quotes speak for themselves:
- No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. Abraham Lincoln
- Time spent with cats is never wasted. Sigmund Freud
- In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this. Terry Pratchett
- Way down deep, we’re all motivated by the same urges. Cats have the courage to live by them. Jim Davis
- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. Joseph Wood Krutch
- Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal. Eddie Izzard
- Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. Anonymous
Send a gift from Mirth in a Box when the thought counts but the fun counts even more!!!
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