Christmas Cheer: Funny Christmas Quotes From Your Favorite Comedians

  • I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap departmentfunny christmasand told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. Steven Wright
  • No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. Erma Bombeck
  • Roses are reddish/
Violets are bluish/
If it weren’t for Christmas
/We’d all be Jewish.
 Benny Hill
  • One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day.  Don’t clean it up too quickly. Andy Rooney
  • Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. Victor Borge
  • The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. Jay Leno
  • My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. ‘Cause I’m plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didn’t I get to open this year? Laura Kightlinger
  • The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is Ha Hatheir husband.  Joan Rivers
  • What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller
  • One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December. Lewis C.K.
  • At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional. Robert Godden
  • Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. Johnny Carson
  • Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home. Carol Nelson

Mirth in a Box has hundreds of funny gifts for all most everyone on your list! And check out our stocking stuffers!

photo credit: Mary’s Christmas Museum 2012 – Eva the Red Nosed Lady via photopin (license)

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