Despite my prior record of volcanic dormancy, the subduction of the convergent plate boundary upon which I am stationed has resulted in an abnormal lithospheric pressure differential which shall be remedied during the week of January 8th, 2007. Therefore, pursuant to the Human-Volcano Fair Warning Treaty of 1994, and inasmuch as it is my moral duty to warn the hikers on my slopes and the townsfolk who live in my shadow, I hereby proclaim that a volcanic eruption is imminent. In accordance with section VII(a) of the aforementioned treaty, wherein it was agreed by both parties that no eruption shall occur with malice of forethought, I submit the following diagnosis of the eruption, in hopes that the peace now held between volcanoes and their human brethren may be maintained.
Due to silicon concentrations upwards of sixty-five percent, a felsic lava flow is expected. The human impact of said lava flow is expected to be minimal, thanks in large part to the adherence to the zoning regulations put forward by the 1994 treaty. However, pyroclastic flows are anticipated, and thus a precautionary evacuation is being recommended. This recommendation is in no way mandatory on the part of the erupting party, and therefore its declaration absolves the volcanic contingent of any responsibility for loss of life which may occur. Property damage, although regrettable, is to be expected. Whereas any damaged sustained on projects or public works commissioned since the 1994 treaty shall be the responsibility of the building party (the human contingent), damage sustained on sites previously identified as historical landmarks shall be the responsibility of the erupting party, and will be accounted for.
Inasmuch as it is not the desire of any volcano for their eruption to be the cause of any longstanding grievance on the part of human parties residing in the locality of said volcano, reparations shall be made by the erupting party in an attempt to mend ecological and financial damage derivative of the eruption in question. In this particular case, the volcanic contingency shall help provide for future reforestation with the deposit of volcanic soils rich in nutrients. Furthermore, the erupting party shall remain dormant for several years to come, in order to allow for an influx of tourist dollars and real estate development. Said dormancy is accompanied by the standard caveat that heretofore unseen and unknown geological activity may render said dormancy untenable, at which point further declarations of eruption shall be issued if necessary.
December 15th, 2006
Global Volcano Alliance
Thank you, Alex Berg for this dynamic piece of writing dug up from 2006. You can see Alex perform Thursdays and Saturdays at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in LA.