A helpful and timely article culled from a long dead blog, Microanalysis.
Are You Invisible?
In today’s fast-paced modern world, it can sometimes be difficult to know whether or not you are invisible. Perhaps you are boring, so people seem not to notice you. Perhaps you think the pane of glass in front of you is a mirror, but it is not. Perhaps it is, and you are a vampire. Not knowing the status of one’s own visibility can be a real headache, so the editorial staff here at Microanalysis has compiled three easy tests for determining whether or not you are invisible.
- Find a mirror. Verify that you are indeed looking into a mirror by
fetching a rubber duck bath toy and placing it in front of the mirror. If another rubber duck appears, then yes, you are looking at a mirror. If no rubber duck appears, then you are most likely looking at a pane of glass or maybe even a one-way mirror. Whatever it is, smash it with a rock, for it will not help you determine whether or not you are invisible. Once you have found a bonafide mirror, step in front of it. Stick out your tongue but do not cross your eyes. If you can see yourself sticking your tongue out, you are not invisible (but as noted above, you may still be a vampire).
- Get a flashlight. Now shut off all the lights in your room. Turn on the flashlight and try to make shadow puppets. Specifically, attempt to make a dog, then a duck, then an angry man with a large nose. If you are invisible, the light from the flashlight will pass straight through you and you won’t be able to make any shadow puppets at all. If you can’t make the dog or the duck shadow puppets but are still casting a shadow, you aren’t invisible but you probably suffer from some sort of manual cooridnation disorder. If you are able to make the angry man with a large nose, congratulations. That is a difficult shadow puppet to make.
- Look at something. Can you see it? If so, you are not invisible. If you were invisible, then light would pass straight through your eyes, striking nary a rod nor cone on its way through you. Your visual cortex would receive no input, and you wouldn’t see anything. It’s that simple. In fact, being able to read this sentence is pretty conclusive evidence that you are not invisible, so let’s put that matter to rest, ok?
If You Are Invisible
Let’s face it- some people are invisible, and that’s okay. That having been said, life can be difficult if you are invisible, as none of your friends can see you. Upon hearing your voice or seeing you pick up your favorite ping-pong paddle, folks may think that you are a ghost and run screaming out of the room. Here are some easy ways to increase your visibility:
- Only travel in areas of heavy fog or steam
- Strap bicycle horns to your feet
- Wear lots of really heavy makeup
- Sing loudly and frequently about what you are doing
- Always wear a trenchcoat, along with a hat, sunglasses, and full bandaging on your face
Whatever you do, do not wear a sheet over your head with holes cut in it. This will only increase the chances of people thinking you are a ghost.
Are You Still Confused?
Hopefully this article has been helpful to you. If you are still uncertain as to whether or not you are invisible, it may be necessary to seek professional help. Most doctors will be able to tell at a glance whether or not you are invisible. Dentists will be able to tell you only if your teeth are invisible, as that is their specialty. If you are still uncertain whether or not you are invisible, freak out. If a friend, relative, or stranger approaches you and calms you down, then they can see you, and you are not invisible. If a friend, relative, or stranger becomes alarmed because of the disembodied shouting fit that they cannot locate, you are invisible, and can therefore stop freaking out.
Regardless of your visibility, the world is your oyster. Visible and invisible people alike can ride tandem bicycles, paddle kayaks, and tie knots in string. Do not let your visibility hamper your active lifestyle or dampen your sunny position- you’re beautiful just the way you are. Even if nobody can see you.
Pulled from the past writing of Alex Berg. Thanks, Alex!
Mirth in a Box , an equal opportunity website, sells care packages for both the visible and the non visible! Really!