- A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
- I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to StarBucks.
- You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
- You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
- Don’t talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass.
- I give this look two middle fingers up!
- The last time I saw this much thigh meat was on trash day a Chick-Fil-A.
- The pattern! Does this or does this not look like a cake decorated by a crackhead?
- She’s got more junk in her trunk than a full season of “Storage Wars”.
- Her chest is flatter than Kirstie Alley’s sofa cushions.
- I’ve seen better coats on a dog with mange.
Battle of the Bulge:
- Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
- I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
- The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them
On Getting Older:
- Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
- Looking 50 is great-if you are 60.
- My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
- Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery.
- The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
- My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, ‘Pick up, I know you’re there.’ And she says the same thing back, ‘How’d you get this new number?’
- Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones.
- My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
- I wish I had a twin so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
Thank you, Joan!