We Will Miss You, Joan Rivers!

Over the years I have used quite a few of Joan Rivers‘ zingers. Here’s a Joan Riversmini homage to one of my favorite funny ladies:

Doctors:

  • A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
  • I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to StarBucks.
  • You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
  • You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
  • Don’t talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass.

Fashion Insults:

  • I give this look two middle fingers up!
  • The last time I saw this much thigh meat was on trash day a Chick-Fil-A.
  • The pattern! Does this or does this not look like a cake decorated by a crackhead?
  • She’s got more junk in her trunk than a full season of “Storage Wars”.
  • Her chest is flatter than Kirstie Alley’s sofa cushions.
  • I’ve seen better coats on a dog with mange.

Battle of the Bulge:

  • Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
  • I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
  • The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
  • I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them

On Getting Older:

  • Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
  • Looking 50 is great-if you are 60.
  • My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
  • Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery.

Relationships:

  • The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
  • My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, ‘Pick up, I know you’re there.’ And she says the same thing back, ‘How’d you get this new number?’
  • Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones.
  • My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
  • I wish I had a twin so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

Thank you, Joan!

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