A Gargoyle Applies for a Job as a Night Watchman

Gargoyle of ParisM. Firebrand: Hi, thanks for having me.

M. Salopard: According to your resume the pleasure is all mine, Monsieur….

M. Firebrand: Firebrand.

M. Salopard: M. Firebrand. Of course. Let’s begin the interview, shall we? Tell me, M. Firebrand- why have you applied for the position?

M. Firebrand: Ever since I was a baby gargoyle, I have been in love with the Notre Dame Cathedral. I have always thought her to be as beautiful as she is sacred. I can think Hunchback of Notre Dameof no higher honor to be bestowed upon a gargoyle than to be the one to protect her from harm.

M. Salopard: I’m glad to hear you feel that way… Sometimes, we get fellows in here for the wrong reasons. There is a certain amount of… prestige, I guess, that goes along with the position, and sometimes that can cloud people’s true motivation for wanting to apply.

M. Firebrand: I assume you’re referring to the incident with the hunchback that’s been in the papers of late?

M. Salopard: Sadly, yes.

The Hunchback of Notre DameM. Firebrand: I think it’s disgraceful to use Notre Dame as a cheap ploy to impress women, if you don’t mind my saying so.

M. Salopard: Believe me when I say that I feel the same way. As you can imagine, the city is more than a little embarassed by the whole incident, and we’d like to put it behind us as soon as possible. Tell me- why should we hire you to be the new night watchman for our hallowed cathedral? What is it that makes you the best candidate for the job?

M. Firebrand: Well, as it says on my resume, I am a gargoyle.

M. Salopard: Yes, I see that here.

M. Firebrand: Unlike the others who have interviewed for this position, or those who have held it in the past, I am able to fly. I would be able to hide on the upmost reaches of the cathedral, waiting to swoop down upon street urchins and drunkards without warning. From my lofty perch, I would be able to see further than any conventional guard ever could, and thus could strike preemptively against those who would sully our fair cathedral. Also, I am made of stone, and am therefore impervious to the sorts of wounds inflicted by knives, broken glass, or angry fists. My sharp teeth will make quick work of ne’er-do-wells, and my sullen disposition will add an air of mystery and tragic beauty to the cathedral itself.

M. Salopard: Impressive.

M. Firebrand: Thank you.

M. Salopard: It sounds like you might be just what this cathedral needs… are you comfortable with a yearly salary of sixty thousand francs with full medical benefits?

M. Firebrand: Does that include dental?

M. Salopard: Sorry, no, but if you intend to use your teeth in defense of the cathedral as you say you will, then I’m sure we could free up some money from our discretionary spending budget for you.

M. Firebrand: D’accord.

M. Salopard: When would you be available to start?

M. Firebrand: Immediately.

M. Salopard: Well then, M. Firebrand, let me be the first one to congratulate you on your new position as night watchman.

M. Firebrand: Ah! Thank you, M. Salopard- you won’t regret this!

M. Salopard: No, I don’t think that I will. Now then, let’s get you fitted for a uniform…

M. Firebrand: No need, sir- I work in the nude.

M. Salopard: I suspected as much. Welcome to Notre Dame!

Once again we have Alex Berg to thank for this post! Merci, Alex!

Mirth in a Box sells funny and unusual gift boxes. If you get all the literary references in this post you may enjoy some of the products under Cerebral Craziness.

Thanks to timwillosme on Flickr and Wiki Commons for the photos!

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