We borrowed an old post from Alex Berg, soon to be famous comedian.
Mr. Schrödinger– my name is Sgt. Hasenpfeffer. I’m from the Vienna Fire Department, whom you called recently to rescue your cat, Whiskers Heisenberg, from a tree. Mr. Schrödinger, it is my great pleasure and sad duty to inform you that we were able and not able to save your cat. Whiskers Heisenberg is a black Tabby, and as we received your call in the evening, cover of darkness obscured your cat from any sort of observation. At the time, we were sorely undereducated as to what effect this seemingly minor detail would have on the rescue operation, but I am prepared to report to you all I can about what happened.
As luck would have it, your cat turned out to be in no danger and extreme peril. The tree in which your cat was potentially and is still stuck was located downwind and upwind of a hydrocyanic acid plant, meaning that at any second during this tense and lackadaisical rescue operation your cat could have been killed and not affected by the poisonous gas emanating from the plant’s exhaust pipes. Why Vienna’s city council would ever allow a factory that spews poison gas into the air above our beautiful burg is beyond me, but this was the situation we did and did not have to take into consideration.
You see, Mr. Schrödinger, the bevy of factors we were and were not faced with led to some confusion on the part of my men. “Sgt. Hasenpfeffer,” they said to me, “how are we to rescue a cat which we cannot observe?” Not knowing what to tell them, I suggested that they attempt to make an observation of the cat in question, and this is when things got tricky.
Shining a light into the tree, we were able to find your cat immediately, have no luck whatsoever finding your cat, and also see the true danger your cat was in. All at once, we were able to safely bring your cat down our ladder, have a hard time catching it as it scampered through the branches of the elm, and unable to stop it from wandering aimlessly into the cloud of deadly hydrocyanic gas which loomed nearby. Again, I cannot express how irresponsible I think the Viennese city council has been on this matter, and I intend to file a report about it later this week.
What happened next still remains a mystery to me, as a sudden drop in power made our searchlight fail and we again lost observation. As near as I can tell, my men were surrouded and not affected by the toxic gas cloud while they were in the process of chasing your cat, being scratched by your cat, giving up on rescuing your cat, trying to revive your cat, and safely bringing your cat down our ladder to the ground. My men were both in the tree and on the ground while the searchlight was out, which facilitated the rescue of your cat and the rampant miscommunication which prohibited her rescue, leading ultimately to her demise at the hands of the toxic gas and her happy but inaccessable life at the topmost branches of the tree which is on the east and west end of town.
Surely, you can imagine my pride and shame at having to report all of this to you, but I’m certain that a man of your erudition understands the situation clearly. At any rate, I present to you this black box, which we have placed your cat inside for safe keeping. If you’d like to, you may open the box up and see how Whiskers Heisenberg is doing, but I don’t recommend it.
Alex Berg performs regularly at Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in LA with the house Harold Team, Sentimental Lady and his own three-man improv group, Convoy. He is the new artistic director there. You might also see him on TV. Thanks, Alex! We borrowed another post from you!