Groundhog Extermination Plot Foiled

Punxsutaney, PA .

Punxsutaney police worked closely with US Army special ops forces to help foil aGroundhog plot intended to  wipe out all groundhogs in the North American Continent. Helen Hiwater, Weather Channel anchor and avid gardener, allegedly planned  to exterminate all Marmota monax (ground hogs) by detonating a sophisticated network of underground bombs. Naturally such an attack would also claim the lives of thousands of innocent burrowers and earthworms.    Ground hogs, aka woodchucks, pig whistles or land beavers, are said to be able to predict the end of winter just by observing shadows cast on Feb 2nd. Hiwater had told friends that Ground Hog Day was a scam perpetrated by charlatans and TV  station owners with slow news days. Not only did she feel Punxie Phil threatened  her standing at the TV station but neighbors heard her complain bitterly about the damage these rodents had done to her garden last year.

Coworkers described Ms. Hiwater as quiet, squirrelly and occasionally pleasant. The Weather Channel’s parent company, LMAO, had little to say except, “What did you expect? She was a meteorologist .”

Thanks to the swift actions of the Punxsutaney PA, these critters live another day!

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