Funny Christmas Quotes

  • Christmas PresentsThe Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. Jay Leno
  • Christmas carols always brought tears to my eyes. I also cry at weddings. I should have cried at a couple of my own. Ethel Merman 
  • The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. Joan Rivers
  • What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller 
  • People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks? Anonymous
  • I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. Bernard Manning
  • One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December. Louis C.K.
  • Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief! It’s insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it! Lewis Black

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