Dietary Advice From an Ogre

Via Alex Berg:

Excuse me, friend- Since I’m an ogre, I don’t normally bother strangers in public, but I Ogrecouldn’t help but notice that you have ordered an entire side of ribs. I’ve watched you for some time now, and while you’ve consumed nearly all of your ribs, you haven’t even touched your bones. As a Good Samaritan, I felt it my obligation to come over here and let you know that you’re missing out on the most nutritious part of your whole meal- the marrow.

Now, I understand that even in this day and age sucking the marrow out of the bones of a slain beast is sometimes considered uncouth, barbarous, and flat out rude. However, not all cultures are so narrow-minded. We ogres have feasted heartily on marrow for thousands of years. Ancient Ogrytian hieroglyphs depict this practice frequently, and Ogrylonian cuneiform writing has been found detailing marrow stockpiles from a thousand years before that. Marrow shrines were a common sight for hundreds of years in western Europe, and the marrow trade routes established by seafaring merchants during the age of exploration paved the way for the colonization of the western hemisphere. Indeed, sucking marrow is as venerated a dietary tradition as can be had.

skullDon’t let the children’s skulls in my hair or the oversized gnarled wooden club at my side fool you- I’m no simple-minded brute blindly following in the footsteps of my ogrefathers. I’m a thinking ogre, and I’ve done my research on this. If you’re going to be eating any sort of meat, you may as well eat the marrow. Marrow is rich not only in protein but also monounsaturated fats, which can help decrease LDL cholesterol. Outside of cracking open a peanut, sucking marrow is the healthiest way to put more protein into your diet. Marrow is also rich in calcium and potassium, nutrients that are essential to having a healthily functioning brain- a necessity for ogres. An ogre with an unhealthy brain is an ogre who will blindly break the backs of any horse it meets, or gleefully pluck babies from their beds to make into stew. Unfortunate, yes, but wholly preventable- thanks to marrow.

Well, you can lead an ogre to marrow, but you can’t make him suck, right? I hope that ogreyou’ve found our repartee informative, and I ask that you take it to heart. I would gladly chat the ears right off of you about marrow- how best to cook it, it’s homeopathic properties, why it has such a reputation as an aphrodisiac- but I’ve got an order of osso buco waiting for me. Enjoy the rest of your ribs, and if you decide not to have your marrow, just send the bones over to my table- otherwise I’ll probably go ballistic and lay this entire town to waste.

Alex Berg is the new Artistic Director of UCB Theatre in LA and a swell guy. He wrote this many years ago. Follow him on Twitter @ActuallyBerg.

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