Mitch Hedburg Quotes

Mitch Hedburg’s (1968-2005) stand up comedy routines were known for his short, Mitch Hedbergsharp one-liners. Here are a few of our favorites:

  • A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
  • An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
  • Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
  • Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
  • Fettucini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
  • I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
  • I like vending machines ’cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it… so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
  • Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

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