FDA Considers Ban on Endorphins

Runners Experiencing Endorphin Euphoria

Or is it the Gatorade?

Endorphin addicts have doubled in the past 4 decades since the passage of Title IX in 1972. This up tick in “natural highs” has caused the FDA to consider banning “endogenous morphine” aka endorphins.

Endorphins cause a short, intense feeling of well being that is often referred to as a “runners high”. It is speculated that this rise in endorphin popularity might also be caused by its low cost, the fitness boom, and global warming.

Scientists first noticed excessive endorphins in wealthy suburbs and college campuses but note that it has now spread throughout  the general population. Some of the tell tale signs of endorphin addiction are euphoria, increased energy, pain tolerance, loss of weight, and craving for more exercise. Secondary side effects include lower blood pressure, decreased body fat, blisters and shin splints.

” This is a very serious threat to the health and safety of the American people” claims a spokesperson for FFF (Fried Food Federation). “We urge the government to step in an quickly ban all use of endorphins.

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3 Responses to FDA Considers Ban on Endorphins

  1. Gay says:

    A day does not pass that I don’t pour hot sauce on something!!!!

    • Dr. Himmelman says:

      And what about the high you get from taking too many laxitives? I know the FDA has tried unsuccessfully to regulate the whole laxitive market but has failed (one more symbol of our broken government), but I most say that soupçon of fear one gets when you feel your bowels loosen and you’re not sure where the nearest toilet is is certainly competition for the simple chili pepper and I’m not certain but I think that there may be some endorphin release involved here, at least that’s how I feel when I get that final sigh of release.

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