Rain Banned From All New England Memorial Day Celebrations

In response to the rash of rain and torrent of thunderstorms that have frequently ruined Rain on the Parademany New Englanders’ Memorial Day celebrations, President Obama has vowed to sign an emergency bill that will prohibit rain during any Memorial Day function held between 10 AM and 10 PM EST. This will include, but not be limited to, firework displays.

” We might not have bipartisan agreement on budget issues or health care but we are all of one mind when it comes to Memorial Day parties. Who hasn’t cursed the universe while sitting on a damp, sandy blanket next to a bowl of flaccid potato chips?” said Jay Carney, Obama’s latest press secretary. This bold initiative is an attempt to foster patriotism and neighborliness, at least in the original colony states. Should this social experiment succeed, the states west of the Hudson river will benefit in years to come.

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