Romance On The Periodic Table

We needed a few romantic posts in honor of Valentine’s Day and pulled these love letters off Alex Berg’s old blog, Microanalysis. Yes, this is from 2006 but love, and chemistry, is timeless.

Beautiful Chlorine-

Periodic TableIt is I, Sodium. Sodium, from the alkali metals. Chlorine, I do not mean to be forward, but I can keep my love for you a secret no longer. I adore you. I crave you. Now, I may not have the rank or stature of Neon, or Xenon, or any of the other noble gases, but keep in mind that I would never spurn you as they have. Nor will I harass you for ages only to use you to suit my own ends, as does Hydrogen, that loathsome lothario. He would bond to you and then discard you as soon as Hydroxide came back into his life, just as he has done to all of the other halogens. I wouldn’t do that to you, Chlorine, for I know your true worth. I know what makes you react, and I know that sometimes you don’t care for suitors; that you just want to be diatomic. I understand that. I would never force myself upon you, but I think that you and I could really make a marvelous salt together. When you ionize, you have the loveliest valence shell of any element, and any fool that can’t see that isn’t worthy of your company. I wish to bond with you, Chlorine, and I hope that you wish to bond with me, too.

Eagerly awaiting your reply,


Dear Sodium-

Yes! Yes! Oh, sweet lord, a thousand times yes! Ever since I was a littleRomance girl, I have been hoping to form the sort of bond that I now know I can form with you. I’ve been through so many acidic relationships of late- Hydrochloric, Chloric, Perchloric- and I’ve hated them all. Never once have I felt that I could create something long lasting in those relationships. With you, fair Sodium, with you I feel that I can truly be appreciated. Together, we could make such a beautiful halite arrangement, our ions closely packed into small cubes as we snuggle electrostatically for years on end. Every element will be envious of our crystal lattices, and we shall never want for anything besides each other ever again! I love you, Sodium, and can’t wait to bond with you. Meet me at my favorite restaurant, Erlenmeyer’s, on Saturday night at 6:00 pm sharp. I’ll be wearing a cute little 1s22s22p63s23p5 configuration. I can’t wait to see you!


Chlorine 🙂

Thanks to Alex Berg, soon to be famous comedian, for letting us use this old post of his. You can follow Alex on Twitter at @ActuallyBerg or go to the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in LA where you can see him in person on Thursdays in Convoy, Saturdays in Sentimental Lady and sometimes you can even take a class from him.

Mirth in a Box sells funny and unusual gifts boxes. Why not send your sweetheart something today?



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