A Snowman Confronts His Doctor About His Botched Rhinoplasty

Once again we have pilfered an old blog post from Alex Berg. Gee thanks, Alex. You did say it was OK, right? 

Are you insane??? How is this in any way acceptable? I asked for a carrot nose, youfunny snowman butcher- a carrot nose. Have you ever seen a carrot before? Shut up- that was a trick question. I can tell you haven’t seen a carrot before because if you had, I would have one for a nose. Instead I have this… thing. What is this thing even? It looks like… like I don’t even know… some sort of inverted walnut shell or something. You know what? It doesn’t matter what it is, because I know what it is not, and it is not a carrot-nose!

This nose… this nose is so far off base that it’s not even wrong. It would have been better if you had just removed my nose entirely. A lot of snowmen don’t have noses, so that way people wouldn’t have thought twice about it. That having been said, it is understood in snowmen culture that if you are going to have a nose, you have two options. The first, is a piece of coal. This is a very practical nose, in that one coal nose will last forever. However, it is not very stylish. This is the sort of nose that my Uncle Wilt or perhaps my Grandmother would wear. They lived through the depression, so that’s okay. I don’t fault them for wanting nasal security. The second kind of nose that snowmen wear is a carrot. This is a flashier nose, the sort that celebrities like Snowen Wilson and Flake Busey wear. It is a luxury nose. You see, carrots aren’t as practical as coal- they attract squirrels, will rot and deform if not properly cared for, and may get knocked off in a heavy breeze. Even if properly cared for, carrot noses need to be regularly replaced, which can become costly over time.

Why, then, might a blue-collar snowman such as myself want a carrot nose? What could possibly make a root vegetable so alluring as a piece of facialwear that I would pawn my corncob pipe to pay for it? Why on earth would I want a carrot nose so badly that I would be willing to undergo the psychological stress of waking up one day to see a face that was drastically different from the day before staring back at me in my shaving mirror? What could motivate a snowman to do something so impractical? There must be some reason, right? I’m not crazy, so what could it be?

I’ll tell you what, doc- snowwomen. Have you ever been with a snowwoman? No, I didn’t think so. There is nothing on this planet so beautiful or as fragile as a snowwoman. Each snowwoman is as delicate and unique as the individual snowflakes which make up her spherical head, midsection, and bottom. Every single part of a snowwoman- from the tips of her twiggy fingers to that layer of snow under the surface that’s full of dead leaves- every single part is icy cold to the touch, and yet her embrace will warm you to the core and melt your heart, figuratively. Paradoxically beautiful, snowwomen are what drive us snowmen. And you know what snowwomen love? A striking profile. Do you know what makes for a striking profile doc? A carrot nose. A long, orange, slightly ribbed carrot nose- the bigger the better.

Now then, if snowwomen love striking profiles, which are created by protrusions visible when one’s head is viewed from the side, does it not stand to reason that a snowman without a striking profile is a snowman without a snowwoman? Furthermore, does it not also stand to reason that if a snowman had paid considerable money to purchase a carrot nose and thus a striking profile for himself that he might be just a bit irate when he removed his bandages to find some sort of inverted walnut shell in the middle of his face? Some sort of inverted walnut shell! Because of you, doctor, I will never be the object of a snowwoman’s affection. Because of you, doctor, I will forever be lonely. Because of you, doctor, my life will forever be a disappointment. Remember that. Remember that you had the chance to make a snowman happy. A snowman- who exists soley to make children giggle. You had a chance to make a snowman happy and instead you made it miserable. May the weight of guilt forever hang by a noose about your neck, doctor, and pray that you don’t see me again. I hate you.

Oh, and doctor, do me one favor, would you? Validate my parking for me so that I don’t have to look that cute snowwoman secretary of yours in the face on my way out of your office. The pain of her pitiful gaze is too much to bear.

Thanks to Alex Berg, soon to be famous comedian, for letting us use this old post from 2006. You can follow Alex on Twitter at @ActuallyBerg or go to the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in LA where you can see him in person on Thursdays in Convoy,Saturdays in Sentimental Lady and sometimes you can even take a class from him.

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