Did You Hear the One About the Pet Duck Who Attacked a Neighbor?

Yep! Somebody’s pet duck attacked a neighbor’s daughter. While running away from Ducks in the parkquazy quacker, the daughter fell and broke her wrist. Now she is suing for $275,000.   Read all about it here in the Huffington Post.

This news article intrigued me because we had pet ducks when I was a kid. Their disappearances used to coincide with a meal of Duck ala Orange.

Segue in to a few duck jokes:

  • What does a duck get after he eats? The bill!
  • What do you call a crate od ducks? A box of quackers!
  • What time does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn!

A duck walks in to the local drug store and asks for some chapstick. The pharmacist hands it to him and the duck says,”Just put it on my bill!”

Customer: How much is that duck?
Farmer: Ten dollars?
Customer: OK. I’ll take it. Send me the bill.
Farmer: I’m sorry. You’ll have to buy the whole duck!

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Theories By Einstein From His Time At The Swiss Patent Office by Alex Berg

Thank you to Alex Berg c 2006~

Other Theories Penned By Einstein During His Period Of Employment Einstein Tongue At The Swiss Patent Office

Theory on the flow of time during lunch breaks

Through observations conducted over the course of the past several weeks, I have noticed that when my boss, Stanislaus, and I take our lunches simultaneously, they seem interminably long. When I take lunch by myself, however, my break never seems long enough. Since Stanislaus has several kilos on me (due to his steady diet of schnitzel and lager, no doubt), I can only conclude that his mass somehow slows the flow of time itself. Must remember to investigate further.

Theory on the fastest speed at which patent applications can be processed

Repeated experiments conducted at my desk have revealed to me that the fastest speed at which I can possibly process patent applications is 2.998×101 patent applications/hour. This is an absolute speed limit. No patent office employee could possibly process patents any faster than this. I must find a way of proving this mathematically to Stanislaus, so that he stops pestering me about my rate of work.

Theory on the equivilance of laziness and mass

I have noticed that all of my coworkers do less work than myself, and the amount of work done seems to be inversely proportional to the mass of the coworker. I do more work than Hans, Hans does more than Yoder, and everybody does more than Stanislaus (of course). The amount of work done by an employee (E) therefore must be equal to the worker’s mass (mw) times the square of the inverse of the fastest rate at which patents can be processed (p). And so:

E=mwp2

Mein gott, I can’t wait to get out of this place.

Einstein E=MC2

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An Apiary of Bee Jokes

Un BEE leivable! I found swarms of bee jokes all over the internets! Here’s a few of my bee hivesfavorites:

  • What did the bee say to the flower? ‘Hello, Honey!’
  • What do bees use to part their hair? A honeycomb!
  • Can bees fly in the rain? Only with their yellow jackets!
  • Which singer do bees love the best? Sting!
  • Why did the bee go to the dermatologist? Because it had hives!
  • What do you call a bee born in May? May-bee!

Bee a pal and send me some more!bee and flower

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6 Greek Proverbs That Will Make You Laugh

Elpis Ioannidis | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Elpis Ioannidis | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Did you know that April 20th is Greek Easter? Oh what I would give to be on a Greek Island right now! Since I’m not here are some Greek proverbs to sink you teeth in to:

      • What you wish for when you’re sober, you act out when you are drunk.
      • Young wood makes a hot fire.
      • The apple will fall under the apple tree.
      • Better a wise enemy than an insane friend.
      • Gray hair is a sign of age, not wisdom.
      • It is easier to talk than to hold one’s tongue.Greek Dancers

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Photo credits: Littoraria and Berndkru via Flickr.

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National Haiku Day (April 17th) Collides with Game of Thrones

Gay of Thrones Red WeddingI’m sorry. I meant to write something about National Haiku Day but all I am thinking about is “The Game of Thrones”. Last Sunday was the Purple Wedding (season 4 episode 2). I am still reeling. Please pardon my digression.

First let me include a famous haiku from the 18th century Japanese poet, Yosa Buson . I found this in The Rough Guide’s “Make the Most of Your Time on Earth”.

I cannot see her tonight.puffer fish
I have to give her up.
So I will eat fugu.

The 5 syllable/7 syllable/5 syllable form we Americans are used to did not survive the translation but who cares? It is a wonderful poem.

Here are my attempts at haiku:

Purple:violets, plumsRoses from Cipriani's Rose Garden
Lilacs, pansies, Barney, bruises
Lannister Wedding.

Red: Roses, Tulips
Tomatoes, lipstick, tired eyes,
Razor slip, Frey Wedding

And here is a very accurate and pretty funny recap of the Red Wedding from Funny Or Die:

Yes. I am related to the guy is the chair.

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Thanks to By Brocken Inaglory for the charming puffer fish photo via Wikimedia Commons.

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A Dozen Egg-cellent Egg Jokes

These cracked me up!

  • How do comedians like their eggs? Funny side up!cracked egg
  • What do you call a mischievous egg? A practical yolker!
  • What day do eggs hate most? Fry-day!
  • What sport are the eggs good at? Running!
  • Why is the chef so mean? She beats the eggs!
  • Why did the chicken lay her egg on an axe? She wanted to hatchet!
  • What did the egg say to the clown? You crack me up!
  • Why can’t you tease an egg white? Because they can’t take a yolk!
  • What grows on yolk trees? Egg-corns!
  • Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for a bad summer!
  • Why do chicken lay eggs? Because if they dropped them they would break!
  • Who tells the best egg jokes? Comedi-hens!

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7 Jokes You Should Never Tell An IRS Tax Collector

Well, maybe after April 15th.

  • How can you tell if your tax collector is an extrovert? He looks at your shoes man with briefcaseinstead of his own!
  • Who is the better detective-Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant? A tax accountant because he’ll make more deductions!
  • What the difference between a Rottweiler and a tax collector? A Rottweiler eventually lets go!
  • How can you tell when the tax collector is trying to get you to confess? His lips are moving!
  • What’s the difference between a Taxidermist and a tax collector? A taxidermist takes only your skin!
  • What is Santa Claus’s tax status? Elf-Employed!
  • What do tax collectors use for birth control? Their personalities!

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7 Timely Quotes About Taxes

black and white puppyI’ve filed my extension. How about you?

  • It would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but normally cash is required. Anonymous
  • I shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes . . . Mark Twain
  • Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag. Jay Leno
  • Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors. …and miss! Robert A. Heinlein
  • We don’t seem to be able to check crime so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business? Will Rogers
  • This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher. (filing his tax returns) Albert Einstein
  • It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta. Dave Barry

Ugh! Gratuitous puppy picture to take sting out of being reminded to file taxes.

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The Wright Brothers Politely Defer to One Another by Alex Berg

Kitty HawkThe Wright Brothers, like Alex Berg, had their ideas and inventions nurtured by their time spent in the glorious state of Ohio(see below for ongoing debate about the birthplace of aviation).

Orville: Really, Wilbur, stop this silly bickering and get in the aeroplane. You’re the older one here- it makes sense that you should have the esteemed privilege of being the first one to fly this aeroplane that we’ve constructed.

Wilbur: It is an esteemed privilege, Orville, and what sort of older brother would I be if

Wilbur Wright

Wilbur

I took it away from you? When we were growing up, mother and father always said to look after you and keep your best interests in mind. I can think of no better way to honor their wishes than to allow you to be the one to usher in this new age of aviation.

Orville: I’m flattered, brother, truly I am- but I can imagine no crime greater than taking this honor away from you. What have I ever done to deserve the distinction of being the first man to pilot this rickety glider?

Wilbur: Your hard work and determination are the glue that hold this ramshackle plane together, Orville. In many ways, this tumbledown flying contraption is yours alone, as should be the pleasure of being the first person to take it airborne.

Orville Wright

Orville

Orville: Wilbur, you are too modest. It is true that I helped a great deal in the construction of this run-down aircraft, but without your blueprints and your logical-sounding yet insofar untested and therefore unreliable concepts about aeronautics, I would still be repairing bicycles back in Dayton. You first. I insist.

Wilbur: No. My modesty fails me now, brother, in the light of your argument. I am crucial to the fledgling field of aeronautics, and any injury I sustained would be not only an injury to myself, but also an injury to the 20th century. Inasmuch as I am too important to risk my life in this unsound aerial apparatus, you should be the first.

Orville: Point noted, but if your body were injured when this dubious device of ours crashed, your mind and your ideas would still be intact. Aeronautical engineering would experience hardly any delay in it’s development. On the other hand, if I were to be involved in some sort of crash, and these hands were to become useless, who would rebuild the plane?

Wilbur: Brother, be not too haughty- I would mend the craft.

Orville: Would you, brother? These hands…

Wilbur: Were taught everything they know by this mind. A mind, which I might add, is not going to risk itself by being the first to climb into winged craft made of wood and paper which contains a combustion engine. Get in.

Orville: Hrm… Wouldn’t mother be sad if I were injured?

Notice slogan 'Birthplace of Aviation'

Notice slogan ‘Birthplace of Aviation’

Wilbur: Maybe, but not as sad as she’d be if I were injured. Now hurry up and get in before the wind dies down. I don’t trust this thing to stay in the air without a strong wind.

Orville: What was that last part?

Wilbur: Nothing. Have a safe flight, and try to steer for a dune if you begin to fall.

For years there has been an ongoing debate about which state has the most claim to the Wright Brothers. Recently Connecticut has stepped in to the fray by claiming that Gustave Whitehead was the first person to fly an airplane. Two good articles here: NC, Ohio Fight to Retain First in Flight Bragging Rights and NC, Ohio Fighting Back on Conn.’First in Flight’ Claim.

Nice try, North Carolina!

Nice try, North Carolina!

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How Do You Cheer Up a Blue Bird?

Do not disparrow! Try out these bird jokes (Good Grebe!):

  • What do you get when you run over a bird with your lawnmower? Male Hainan Blue Flycatcher" by panuruangjanShredded Tweet!
  • How do you keep a turkey in suspense? I’ll tell you tomorrow!
  • What birds spend all their time on their knees? Birds of prey!
  • How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens? Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl!
  • What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor? The pheasants are revolting’!
  • What do you call a duck on drugs? A quackhead!
  • What kind of bird can carry the most weight? The crane!
  • What do you get when you cross a Golden Eagle with a razor?A Bald Eagle!
  • When should you buy a bird? When it’s going cheep!

And, drumroll please, my favorite:

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, “Where did you get that thing?” The parrot replies, “In France, there are millions of them!”

Let us know your favorite bird puns and jokes in our comment section on our Facebook Page.

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Thanks to panuruangjan via freedigitalphotos.net for the picture of the Blue Flycatcher!

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