Pachyderm Puns!

If it doesn’t involve a trunk it’s irrelephant!

  • How do you raise a baby elephant? With a forklift!
  • What do you do with a green elephant? Wait till it ripens!african elephant
  • Why are elephants so poor? Because they work for peanuts!
  • Why did the elephant wear green sneakers? Her red ones were in the wash!
  • How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card!
  • What game do you NOT want to play with an elephant? Squash!
  • Why are elephants so wrinkled? They take too long to iron!
  • What is gray and blue and very big? An elephant holding its breath!
  • How do you get down off an elephant? You don’t. You get down off a duck!

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  • What does a doctor give an elephant who’s going to be sick? Plenty of room!
  • What time is it when an elephant sits on your watch? Time to get a new watch!
  • What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks!

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Only Robinson Caruso Had Everything Done by Friday!

What are you doing this weekend?

  • Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something hammockcompletely pointless.  Bill Watterson
  • There aren’t enough days in the weekend.  Rod Schmidt
  • Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.  Zenna Scha
  • Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.  Ogden Nash
  • Weekends do not pay as well as weekdays but at least there’s football. S.A. Sachs
  • Not only is there no god but try getting a plumber on a weekend. Woody Allen
  • The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend.  Chuck Palahniuk

Mirth in a Box is spending this weekend perfecting our extensive line of quirky and quality camp care packages!

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Memorial Day Agenda of A Raincloud by a Very Young Alex Berg

Oh boy- looks like a nice day out, huh? Partly sunny, not too hot. About 75 degrees. marching bandBreezy. Seems like this Memorial Day parade’s gonna go off without a hitch, doesn’t it? I can hear the Fairfield High School marching band warming up- they sound great. I could listen to them play Louie, Louie all day long. And the Shriners down there, in their fezes and their tiny cars- boy, they sure are amusing, aren’t they? Oh, and there are the Girl Scouts, all lined up with flags painted on their cheeks- adorable. Yep, oughtta be a pretty great parade. Too bad I’m gonna rain on it.

dark skyYeah, that’s right. I’m gonna rain on your parade. Don’t like it? Tough. I’m a cumulonimbus cloud, buddy boy, so what are you gonna do about it? That’s right. Nothing. I can open up and turn on the waterworks whenever I want to. I could start a torrential downpour right here and now and stop the parade before it starts. Everybody from the VFW guys in the vintage Jeeps to the Revolutionary War Reenactment Guild would get completely hosed, and the parade would be called off before anybody even made it to Main St. Throngs of lawnchair bound spectators would scatter like roaches when you turn on the kitchen light. Yeah, that would be somethin’, but it ain’t nothing compared to what I got planned for this parade.

First, I’m gonna hover in the distance. I just want to let everybody know that I’m tiny car shrinerhere. Maybe I’ll let loose with a little thunder rumble or something, I dunno. I want everybody to be anxious when the parade starts. I want every man, woman, and child to glance up just once while they’re enjoying their oversized pretzels and think to themselves: “Boy, I hope that raincloud holds off.” I like to give people hope, so that I can crush it. I’ll let the parade start. It looks like you’ve got the fixin’s for a pretty long parade here- I’d say hour and a half, two hours, judging by the amount of floats and marching bands I can see from up here. I think I’ll wait about twenty minutes- just long enough for the parade to start- and then I’ll move in and block out the sun. No rumbles, no rain just yet. More fear. Less hope. It’s a balancing act, really.

Once the mood is right- I don’t know how long it’ll take, but I’ll know when it is- then I’ll start in with the drizzles. Not too much water, though. This is a delicate stage, because I don’t want to chase anybody away just yet. Some finesse is required here. I’ll drizzle a little, then stop for awhile, maybe even let some sunshine through. The drizzle can’t be too light, because it has to be annoying enough to make people consider leaving, but not so bad that they can’t justify staying. I might make it a little heavier in some places, ’cause I want just a few people to leave so that when I let up everybody who stayed can feel proud that they didn’t chicken out and go home. That pride will be their downfall. I don’t take too kindly to hubris.

By that point, most of the floats will be in motion. The bands will have started marching, rainand every Weeblo from here to Greenwich will be walking through the streets, waving at their family and throwing candy to their friends. If I’ve done my job right, the atmosphere will be jubilant, because everybody will think that they have weathered the storm. Little do they know that the storm hasn’t started yet. I’ll let loose with a thunderclap to start. Remind them that I’m here. And then, I’ll unload. It’s gonna be torrential. Folks are gonna think that they’re in the middle of a hurricane, and they might as well be. I’m gonna make big fat droplets that get them wet, then mix in a bunch of tinier ones that sting when they hit bare skin. I’ll bring the wind up to make them cold, and maybe even throw in a little hail for effect. I’ll bring everything to a roaring crescendo, and chaos will ensue.

Ha ha! I can barely contain myself! Imagine- blue haired ladies carrying potato salad running for cover, children’s cotton candy melting in the rain, countless backyard potlucks and barbeques washed out! A dozen paper mache floats will become sodden and droop under their own weight until they are but crude imitations of the patriotic themes they once embodied, and the streets will run red, white, and blue with tempera paint. And then, once the mayor and his wife have fled from their booth in front of town hall, and the majorette’s batons are too slippery to spin and toss, I’ll let up. When all hope for a parade is lost, and the parade route has been evacuated, then I’ll let up and drift away. Just like that. It’ll be like I was never even here. For years, they’ll talk about how this parade was ruined and pray that it does not happen again. That will by my legacy. Fear. Raw, naked, parade-oriented fear.

Oh- what’s that I hear in the distance? Sounds like fanfare. That parade must be starting up. Time to get into position. But before I go, I wanted to let you know something- there’s not a damned thing that you can do to stop me. Happy Memorial Day.

Thanks Alex Berg for letting us use this. Alex Berg grew up in Fairfield, CT on the route of the Memorial Day parade.

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Look What We Dug Up! Dinosaur Jokes!

  • What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus!t rex scull
  • What did dinosuars wear to the beach? Crocs!
  • Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent!
  • Why did velociraptors eat raw meat? Because they don’t know how to cook !
  • What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
  • What do paleotologsts call it when dinosaurs wreck their cars?Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
  • What do you get when a dinosaurus sneezes? Out of the way!
  • Why did the Archaepteryx catch a worm? He was an early bird!

Mirth in a Box is assembling some of the best camp care packages you’ll ever find! Check us out!

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I’m Digging These Garden Quotes!

All I want to do is garden all day long! Alas, I do not.budding shrub

  • If you have a  garden and a library, you have everything you need. Cicero
  • A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in. Greek Proverb
  • A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.  Frank Lloyd Wright
  • In the night the cabbages catch at the moon, the leaves drip silver, the rows of cabbages are a series of little silver waterfalls in the moon.
 Carl Sandburg
  • The love of gardening is a seed once sown that never dies. Gertrude small host in urnJekyll
  • We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses. Abraham Lincoln
  • The garden is the poor man’s apothecary. German Proverb
  • Who has learned to garden who did not at the same time learn to be quirky gardenpatient?  H.L.V. Fletcher
  • The man who has planted a garden feels that he has done something for the good of the world. Vita Sackville-West
  • Green fingers are the extension of a verdant heart.  Russell Page
  • Flowers seem intended for the solace of ordinary humanity.  John Ruskin
  • My garden will never make me famous, I’m a horticultural ignoramus. Ogden Nash

Mirth in a Box thoughtfully makes camp and college care packages so you don’t need to! Now spend that extra time in the garden!

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“Tom Swifties Again” Tom Recited (Get It?)

  • “3.142,” Tom enumerated piously.replacon skyway
  • “This is the Netherlands,” Tom stated flatly.
  • “Boy, that sure took the wind out of my sails!” Tom said disgustedly.
  • “Congratulations. You graduated,” Tom said diplomatically.
  • “I can’t believe you set off the dynamite!” Tom said explosively.
  • “I must patch this coat,” Tom said raggedly.
  • “This is a sick bird,” said Tom illegally.
  • “I’m embarrassed,” Tom admitted readily.
  • “My stereo is broken,” Tom said disconsolately.
  • “My stereo’s half-fixed,” Tom said monotonously.
  • “My stereo is working great now,” Tom said ecstatically.

Mirth in a Box sells care packages for when the thought counts but the fun counts even more!

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Farm Fresh Jokes

Picked just for you!

  • Why did the farmer give an award to the scarecrow? He was black and white cowoutstanding in his field!
  • Why don’t farmers pamper their cows? They would produce spoiled milk!
  • What does the farmer say to his cows when he is milking them? Udder-nonsense!
  • What did the farmer use to fix his jeans? A cabbage patch!american gothic
  • Why is a barn so noisy? All the cows have horns!
  • Why  did the farmer think his tractor was magical? It went down the road and turned in to a field!
  • What type of cereal do farmers hate? Weedies!
  • What kind of socks does a farmer wear? Garden hose!
  • Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands!
  • Why did the pig take a bath? Because he heard the farmer said,”Hogwash!”

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

Just in time for summer camp, Mirth in a Box has a whole new crop of camp care packages!

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Wise, Witty, Wimsical Proverbs about Mothers from Around the World

    • Every beetle is a gazelle in the eyes of its mother. Moorish Proverbmom and kid
    • God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. Jewish Proverb
    • When the mother monkey leaves her baby to fall, one must not blame the dried branch African Proverb
    • A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. Irish Proverb
    • He who has not traveled widely thinks his mother is the best cook. Ugandan Proverb
    • There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.  Chinese Proverb
    • A rich child often sits in a poor mother’s lap. Danish Proverb
    • What the child says, he has heard at home. African Proverb

mother with child on hip

  • Look at the mother before marrying the daughter. Turkish Proverb
  • The piglet has the same type of snout as her mother. Igbo Proverb
  • An ounce of mother is worth a pound of priest. Spanish Proverb
  • A good mother is worth a hundred teachers. Italian Proverb
  • Mother carry me. Tomorrow I will carry you. Bantu Proverb

I love these! Got any more?

Mothers everywhere agree that Mirth in a Box sells the best care packages and gifts.

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Malapropisms: Let’s Have Fun Whether You Like it or Not!

Let’s get the nitty gritty out of the way. What is a malapropism? The dictionary malapropism kigtells us: Malapropism noun-[MAL-uh-prop-iz-uhm]-The act of misusing words ridiculously,  especially by the confusion of words that are similar in sound. A few fine examples: “Mother no’s best”, “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”, “We made too may wrong mistakes.” (last 2 by the malapropism master, Yogi Berra).

Here’s a few more examples of malapropisms:

  • The monster is just a pigment of your imagination
  • He’s a wolf in cheap clothing.
  • Michelangelo is known for painting the sixteenth chapel.

No one is as well known for his/her verbal blundering as Yogi Berra but the carroll o'connorfictional Archer Bunker  came pretty darn close. Do you remember any of these gaffs from “All in the Family”:

  • Shut the door will the two of yas. I’m catching ammonia!
  • You’re a chimp off the old block!
  • He’s up there in his ivory shower.
  • Meathead calls me a religious phonetic.

Emily Latella, played by Gilda Radner on Saturday Night Live, was the queen of quirky misinterpretations. Emily Latella would show up on Weekend Update and rant about various topics. I had a hard time finding a video to upload. Try this link roseanne roseannadannaHERE to see her on Soviet Jewelry (Jewry). Emily Latella also opined about Violins on TV (violins on TV), making Puerto Rico a Steak (making Puerto Rico a state), Endangered Feces (endangered species) and Presidential Erections (presidential elections). Hmm I think she deserves her own blog post! Later!

Let’s end this post will a few more from Yogi Berra:

  • He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.
  • Never answer anonymous letters.
  • It gets late early out there.
  • It ain’t over till it’s over.

Oh please send me some of your favorite malapropisms! I promise to include  them in future posts!

Mirth in a Box sells funny and unusual care packages for college students, summer campers and people who need to be cheered up!

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Time Flies When You’re Telling Insect Jokes!

These are un-bee-lievable! Bzzzzzzzzbee!

    • What do flowers and the letter A have in common? Both have bees coming after them!
    • Did you hear the one about the pregnant bed bug? She’ll have her babies in the spring!
    • Why did the bumble bee put honey under his pillow? He wanted sweet dreams!

close up of fly

  • What do you call two young married spiders? Newly webs.  
  • What’s the last thing that goes thru a bug’s mind as he hits the windshield? His butt.
  • Customer: Waiter, waiter! There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: No worries. It’s not deep enough to drown him!
  • Customer: Water,waiter! What’s this fly doing in my soup? Waiter: The back stroke!
  • Why did the bee go to the dermatologist? Because it had hives!
  • What did one spider say to the other spider? Time’s fun when you’re having flies!

Do you know what bugs Mirth in a Box?   Homesick summer campers! We take the sting out of homesickness with camp care packages to make those kids smile!

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